What in hell?

Usually, these open letters are something political, or at least socially relevant. Now I'm just writing to ice cream companies asking them to keep making my favorite flavors. This is the beginning of my rapid slide into curmudgeonly irrelevance, and I will soon be writing letters to the editor decrying neighborhood kids with there hoop-hop rap music and their crocs and obesity rates in preschools.

It's been fun, y'all.

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Dear Ben & Jerry's website comment reader,

Guys. Guys. Key Lime Pie. Oh my god.

It's not just the best flavor you've ever come up with, it's the best ice cream ever invented by man, god or science. Seriously, it's barely even ice cream; it's some sort of weird alchemy combining citrus, angel tears, and crack cocaine.

You can't keep this as a limited batch. Not now. I'm goddamn addicted to the stuff, and if you take away my fix, I don't know what I'll do.

I'm begging you, put this flavor into permanent circulation, at least until health care reform passes and I can get into a decent addiction counseling program.

Your pal,
Eryk Nielsen

Current Location: Fort Victoria

Dear Gatorade,

Please, oh please oh please oh please, please make it stop. Stop airing that god-awful cartoon Tiger Woods commercial. It's horrifying. It's somehow worse than the Burger King mask guy rapping about Spongebob. Every time it airs an angel catches fire. Please, I'm begging you, I will buy any Gatorade product you want. Just stop airing it. Forever.

Clinging to sanity,
Eryk Nielsen

Current Location: Fort Victoria

( On media strategy )

This was submitted via BarackObama.com, where it will probably be read by an intern. I don't like my chances of getting heard that way; does anyone know a more reliable way of reaching someone important?

It's a slow news cycle right now, and if they can come out of the gate saying "John McCain is a hypocrite who doesn't respect you," the sheer audacity should get them a good amount of free news coverage. Then, during the many interviews that will take place during the cycle, they can bring up all of the specific things that the McCain-Palin campaign has lied about (and we are talking really blatant, Google-search-debunkable lies) to cement that narrative. McCain's had two news cycles all to himself, which is two too many.

UPDATE: Well, I'll be damned.

Current Location: ShaveLab 3000
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: A Prarie Home Companion - Ketchup Theme

In response to this announcement:

( Read more... )

If you subscribe to Netflix and like me, please write and call to complain about this. If they go through with this, I fear my movie-arranging OCD may get out of control.

UPDATE: I am not alone!

UPDATE 2: ( I got a copy of the email addresses for Marketing, PR, and the company President. )

Current Location: My tiny awesome apartment
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Pink Floyd - Money

Dear Mr. Schoenberg,

Thank you. I understand now. Your patience has been appreciated.

Eating crow,
Mr. Nielsen

Dear John,

I have some mixed feelings here. First, let me just express my great admiration for you, and the work you do with us. You're the most talented person I know, and if I seem stammery around you, it's because I can't think of anything I might say that could be new or interesting to you. You've spent your whole life doing amazing musical things, are on a first-name basis with world-class singers, and are just an incredible person overall - what is there that I can contribute?

Despite all that, you've always been kind to me, making an effort to reach out and keep me engaged in the music, and mentioning several times how much you like my voice, both to me and to third parties. This amazes me; in honesty, I would have been quite happy for you merely to remember my name. However, I feel now that I may have done something to upset you. Your behavior has not changed at all, but I feel like the semi-chorus you have placed me in may be some form of punishment.

Have I done wrong? Has my attendance been poor, my rehearsal attitude misguided? I can rationalize that you wanted good singers for the very challenging program we're working on, so I do not feel that my participation in that shows a diminishing in your regard for me, but.. the semi-chorus? Moses und Aron is, in general, a very displeasing piece for the non-expert listener, and in making me one of only twelve voices the audience will hear, even if only for a few measures, I am forced to wonder if perhaps it is your wish that the musical upper-crust of Boston should equate my modest voice with musical displeasure.

Respectfully trepedatious,
Eryk Nielsen

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Dear SYSTAT graphing utility,

I hate you and your ass face. I want my damn error bars and I want them now. Please die in a fire.

Warm regards,
Eryk

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Dear Hakkar,

It's been a while, I know. Lately my rehearsal schedule has overlapped with our raiding schedule, and even on non-rehearsal days, I often have company, and so cannot go along with my friends to kill you. I'm very sorry about this, but when I started playing MMOs, I made an agreement with myself that real life would always come first. Granted, it was easier to uphold this agreement two years ago, but I stand by it.

This week, however, TFC rehearsal is tonight, it looks as if I will be able to make the whole raid tomorrow. Since we see each other so rarely these days, I would think that when we do, we should make the most of it. I know I'm planning to do so by being the very best DPS warrior I can be, doing as much steady damage as I can, while not stealing agro off the tanks.. and accepting that J will always be ahead of me on the damage meter. It happens.

For your part, I would request that you please drop that giant, amazingly kickass two-hander that I've been hoping for since we started killing you. Brian already got his last week, when I could not attend, so I would feel no guilt at all in winning one now. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, at least get your raptor-riding lieutenant to drop that really sweet polearm that the muppet-voiced guy won a couple months ago.

See you tomorrow,
Moutonhoof

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Dear Kristen,

Thank you for coming up with this "Dear X" thing. I really like it. Also, you have always been my favorite of Jan's friends. Rock!

Your pal,
Eryk

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Dear the liberal media,

John McCain is not a maverick. He stopped being one sometime after the 2000 primary campaign, presumably after he was smeared by Rove in the primary, but before he later embraced Bush. The song-and-dance about not wanting pro-torture legislation, and then comprimising by allowing pro-torture legislation, is not a maverick move, it is a decent guy doing what he feels he has to in order to get party support in 2008. It's a fairly slimy move, to be honest, and the only reason he came off looking good is because of all the reporting you've done saying that he came off looking good. To paraphrase a dude in a rubber mask, he wouldn't have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids. I like the guy personally, and I know you all do to, but personal likeability does not correlate with political accountibility. I mean, Leiberman is a pretty likable guy, too, and if that dream I had a few years ago is a good indicator, even Dubya himself is pretty affable.

Okay, I got to rambling a little. In short, please stop sucking.

Holding my breath,
Eryk

P.S. jk143

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Dear Ear Waspax,

It has recently come to my attention that someone in our circle of friends - to whit, yourself - has been slipping some sort of poison in my drinks, causing me no small amount of undue alarm. As per our custom, I am soliciting advice from all our friends, including you. Therefore, please advise me on what you would have me do with our situation.

BFF,
Dargon

P.S. Hypothetical situation - Spidrax fails to secure ancient science facility and/or apprehend my person. I believe this amounts to treason. Agree/disagree?

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Dear Robyn,

You make the stuff that makes me happy. Please list more of your dolls/masks; those are amazingly cool. I implore all my friends to purchase creative oddities from you!

Your brother,
Icky

P.S. Bruschetta nachos!!

Current Location: Lab 420
Current Mood: plucky
Current Music: Frou Frou - Must Be Dreaming