What in hell?

I've got a little under an hour of employment left. I've finished all of my desk-cleaning, data-archiving, stuff-only-I-can-do-documenting, and even finished an extra project, so now I'm just waiting for my boss to get back so we can all wait out the clock together.

I hope the engineering job comes through. I think I can find a temp job at MGH or somewhere similar to keep me busy until I find out.. if not, I can survive on unemployment (barely) until something else comes along. I've got my Monster, I've got my craigslist, I've got my skills. It'll be okay.

But no amount of "it'll be okay" can chase away the fear. This is not okay. Money is scary, or maybe terrifying, but it's not just that. I've always felt like I'm the failure of my family, the loser youngest sibling who everyone else props up. Losing my job at Christmas does not mix well with this.

I used to think of myself as someone who is open and able to talk about my troubles, but that's really not true. That feeling of being a burden extends to my friends as well.. I don't know how to ask for or receive help in times like this. I spent most of the day on the verge of a breakdown (I'm feeling better now), but I don't want anyone to know just how close I am to collapse. I spent too much time agonizing too loudly over too little; now that I have legitimate reasons to feel terrible, I feel like I've cried wolf too many times to deserve sympathy or aid. I don't want to be a burden.

M convinced me to meet her and the rest of the MGH crew at the Beer Works this afternoon, which is a good idea. Not that I want to be unemployed at the bar, but an afternoon laughing with friends is a better way to start this than anything I'd do on my own.

I hate feeling weak.

Current Location: ShaveLab 3000
Current Mood: sad

Today's xkcd hits a little too close to home. It's a behavior I grew out of more than six years ago, but it's still painful to see it put so bluntly. Ahh well, onward and upward, and all that.

Current Location: ShaveLab 3000
Current Mood: anxious