What in hell? - Adios, ShaveLabos

Dec. 23rd, 2008 02:35 pm Adios, ShaveLabos

I've got a little under an hour of employment left. I've finished all of my desk-cleaning, data-archiving, stuff-only-I-can-do-documenting, and even finished an extra project, so now I'm just waiting for my boss to get back so we can all wait out the clock together.

I hope the engineering job comes through. I think I can find a temp job at MGH or somewhere similar to keep me busy until I find out.. if not, I can survive on unemployment (barely) until something else comes along. I've got my Monster, I've got my craigslist, I've got my skills. It'll be okay.

But no amount of "it'll be okay" can chase away the fear. This is not okay. Money is scary, or maybe terrifying, but it's not just that. I've always felt like I'm the failure of my family, the loser youngest sibling who everyone else props up. Losing my job at Christmas does not mix well with this.

I used to think of myself as someone who is open and able to talk about my troubles, but that's really not true. That feeling of being a burden extends to my friends as well.. I don't know how to ask for or receive help in times like this. I spent most of the day on the verge of a breakdown (I'm feeling better now), but I don't want anyone to know just how close I am to collapse. I spent too much time agonizing too loudly over too little; now that I have legitimate reasons to feel terrible, I feel like I've cried wolf too many times to deserve sympathy or aid. I don't want to be a burden.

M convinced me to meet her and the rest of the MGH crew at the Beer Works this afternoon, which is a good idea. Not that I want to be unemployed at the bar, but an afternoon laughing with friends is a better way to start this than anything I'd do on my own.

I hate feeling weak.

Tags: back then, depression, jorb, life

Current Location: ShaveLab 3000
Current Mood: sad

Leave a comment

Comments:

From:	jan_andrea
Date:	December 24th, 2008 01:07 am (UTC)

(Link)

{{Hugs}} Can't offer much in the way of advice -- losing my jobs always sent me into depression -- but we're looking forward to seeing you on Sunday.

(Reply) (Thread)

From:	baxil
Date:	December 24th, 2008 01:27 am (UTC)

(Link)

I hear you there.

All I can offer in the way of concrete advice is to try to get out a lot. Even if it's just leaving the house for the sake of not being there. Staying in the same place for long stretches of time lends itself very easily to brooding, which is progressively less fun the more you have to stress about.

Try to maintain some sort of schedule, and use your newfound free time for something you've wanted to do for a while.

(Reply) (Thread)

From:	brunahildm
Date:	December 24th, 2008 01:33 pm (UTC)

(Link)

I loves you.

Keep us up to date, okay?

Let's be dumb together soon, like Sunday.

(Reply) (Thread)

From:	skacover
Date:	December 24th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC)

(Link)

You're not weak, you just have vulnerable areas. A man doesn't need to feel shame for feeling pain when he gets hit in the groin, does he?

What has it been, almost ten years now? You came back from California and we met in the friendlies parking lot with Joel. We talked about the dark tower, which you had read on the bus. My point is that you've always been how I've wanted to be.

You have many friends who care about you; when you do work, you find it stimulating and maybe even enjoyable sometimes; you write and speak with eloquence; you have a firm understanding of science, but you can also appreciate the arts; you sing. I know the grass is always greener, and I'm really not one for envy, but if I were, you'd be one of the people I'd thing about trading places with.

Even at your worst I've always looked up to you.

Words are only words, and there's no magic rhetoric to make things better, but you're in all our thoughts. One time when I was really down you asked me if I had ever been to a party with a friend who got really drunk, and had had to shepherd him home; that I was able to point him in the general direction and keep him from falling over. (blah, you said it better). Anyway, you said that sometimes a person has to be that kind of friend to themselves--and stumble along in the right direction, concentrating mostly on getting there in one piece than anything else, but that they will get there eventually. So now, like a decade long game of telephone I guess I am returning the advice to you. Ｉstill think it is good advice, and I've thought of it often, but I'm afraid you'll probably have to remember what you told me originally for it to work because I just reread my version and it doesn't seem to communicate well.

Wish I was in town. Let me know if you change your mind about moving to Alaska, we can go to Safeway or something.

(Reply) (Thread)