Every seventeen years, when the cicadas have all gone back to sleep, Les writes a questionnaire for all the world to answer. Here's the latest!!

1. What should we do to make sure Phil does/does not do any more of these?

Incentives are things, and the best thing of all is the unconditional love of a child. So we should threaten to confiscate his means of birth control.

2. Won't that require considerable expense, if only to ensure that we have the best-quality power tools money can buy?

Normally the break-in would be an issue, yes, but I happen to have an agent on the inside.

3. I've heard it said that Batman doesn't swim in money like Scrooge McDuck. Why or why not?

Unlike a McDuck, Batman does not have a protective coat of water-repelling goop on his back. He would drown in seconds. BAT-DROWN, that is.

4. Who here like the Coconut Cream Pie shake from Sonic?

Is the fast-food chain better or worse than the post-early-90's video games?

5. How many body modifications does your dog have?

My dog was modified, at the genetic level, prior to conception, to look and behave just like a cat. Modifications were performed by two custom gamete-enhancers, referred to as "cats."

6. How long did it take you to get all that cream cheese out of there?

You fricken wish it was all out of there. I'm afraid your car is going to have some odor issues in the next few weeks.

7. True or potato: your life frequently requires plastic/rubber sheeting.

Potato. I watch Dexter religiously, but I don't LARP it for crissakes.

8. Describe the merits of the cinderblock as a blunt-trauma argument closer.

The cinderblock can be dressed up to look like Dan Rather, a well-respected authority figure who is incidentally a real stickler for the rules of debate. Mention that you have an "in" with DanBlock CinderRather, and your opponant will quickly concede.

In his pants.

9. Exactly how unmotivated am I this morning?

You wrote 80 lines of text, so not very.

10. Name four or five video-game conventions that were first seen in the Aliens or Predator franchises.

1. Health-packs
2. "Stealthy" game-play
3. Unlimited ammo
4. Special "fatality" attacks
5. Heads-up display

11. Who got a nasty surprise when they saw the unrated Halloween remake?

I got a nasty surprise when I saw the red-band Halloween remake trailer on a recent Netflix. Red-band horror trailers generally mean you've just rented a stinker.

12. You didn't get a copy of your bill in the mail. When you find out how much the current billing is, what phrases will you avoid using to prevent a sudden unexpected pain in the side of your head?

"Yes, I can stay on hold."

13. How much glue do you think it would take to hold someone up on the wall?

Three tubes of crazy-glue should be up to the task.

14. How many times would you be willing to glue them back up until you got it right?

Until I get it right. It shouldn't take too many iterations; I am a scientist after all.

15. Which one of you assholes killed that vampire that was going to murder me?

6. Squad-/tactical- based combat

16. Is anyone else curious as to how that dude's eye tattooing turned out?

Wait, that was his EYE? I thought he just tattoo'd a picture of an eye on his eyelids.

17. How many movies that you were genuinely interested in seeing did you miss this year?

4, assuming I will miss the new Bond flick.

18. How many times in a day does the past try to haunt you?

No less than two, no more than seven.

19. What is your plan for the future?

I've got a six-year plan to get myself well-established here at ShaveLab 3000. It involves two departments and three (un-named as yet) promotions.

20. Be more specific than that.

I'd have to friend-lock this post to do that, and I want the whole world to see this delightful exchange.

21. And quit with the bashful shit. Modesty has no place here.

If they don't fast-track or high-potential me then I will cry emo tears.

22. Do dead angels speak to you sometimes?

I am insufficiently metal to answer in the affirmative.

23. How many homeless shelters have you played guitar in?

Nonety-none.

24. How many masters do you actually serve?

Two. Three if we count the MMO, but we don't.

25. Your muses, they of the whip-hand--how do they drive you?

Modesty prevents my answer.

26. What parts of your brain would you kill, for that one week of peace before you realized that you missed yourself too much?

The procrastinating lazy part. The remaining 5% would get lonely pretty fast, though.

27. Name the band that chases you around the planet when you are or were with your significant other.

"Little Box of Angry People." Their tambo player is *sick*.

28. Ever run a gaming group?

Nope.

29. What's the largest one you've run, in terms of either PCs or players?

I was in a group of six once. That was a lot. I think the last time I played was before the Gingrich Revolution, though.

30. Describe your favorite mode of bottom undergarment.

Boxer-briefs. Sooooo comfortable.

31. Can anyone explain to me why the term "self-pollution" went out of style? That shit was fucking funny.

I know! If anything, it was more like cleansing out the demon sperm, or whatever. Or maybe you really need your semen so you're strip-mining your body.

I miss "self-pollution" too, but "strip-mining" is kind of excellent.

32. If you played an E minor chord with your guitar distorted, phased, and pitch-shifted, how many Rob Liefelds would try drawing you without any feet?

Trick question; Rob Liefeld ONLY draws feet.

33. If Jensen Ackles did a season on the "Time Bandit", how many of you would lose family members?

-1^(1/3)

34. Why do some of the old tricks and skills not have any goddamn training manuals?

Oral tradition. If you don't know them what knows, you don't get to know, yo.

35. Artistically speaking, how many limbs can a pet have before it becomes too difficult to render with a proper sense of perspective?

According to the highly disappointing Spore, nothing can have more than ten limbs. Or be interesting for longer than five minutes.

36. Is there anyone else who wants to force Bob Dylan into trying to sing, note-for-note, one of those yodelly "Star-Spangled Banner" renditions like Whitney Houston did?

I want early, sing-from-the-sinus Bob Dylan to accompany late, raspy-but-still-not-Johnny-Cash Bob Dylan on just such a venture.

37. Why does the Shift key hate me?

They call it tough love, sancho panzer.

38. It's a lonely Thursday night, and you've closed the bar down. As you walk home under the orange glow of the streetlights, you hear a sound. You turn and see a raccoon, an old leather boot, and a pine cone coming your way, and the raccoon is pulling a strip of duct tape from a roll. What's your first action, after you roll initiative?

I cast a spell of Reflect Adhesive.

39. What if the pine cone goes first in the round?

Same as above. Pine cones cannot interrupt spells greater than level three.

40. Exactly how many video games have you gotten through by shooting people in the foot or the finger, or the barest edge of their shoulder, using the sniper rifle?

Just the original Half-Life. I don't play a lot of shooters, and by the time sniper rifles became a required weapon, they had implemented location damage.

41. Is it really racquetball when there's no gravity?

Huh? ...Sorry, I was thinking of Raquel Welch with no gravity.

42. In what ways does the series "Firefly" prepare us for the horrible vagaries that life has to offer?

It's OK to just be "pretty okay" in a duel. Also, if you dress up pretty, you get to go somewhere fun.

42. In how many planes of existence, and the alternate realities that span from each, do you have a rash?

15%.

43. Should you eat the brownies, if they were just sitting there?

That strategy has never failed me so far, but we tend to hang out with different crowds, you and I.

44. Exactly how attractive do you find roots to be?

They... nourish.. stuff? That's useful.. stuff...

45. I meant dyed hair, you pervert.

Oh, those are hot for some reason.

46. How sad were you, when you found last Halloween that you could have gotten a shiny red apple for your soul?

15%.

47. I find the notion of sentience in an item that can't take a shit to be laughable.

I question my own sentience whenever I do take a shit. Seriously, five thousand years of civilization and I still have to have crap come out of me?

48. Where do you stand on shit-free sentience?

Very yes.

49. So--does your magic sword address the other members in your party, or does it scorn them, and only speak to you?

Only me. The rest of the party cannot afford Bluetooth.

Bonus: Anyone still interested in hearing those lame-ass music tracks I laid back in '06? Because they really do, for the most part, have an amazing lack of value.

I don't really like most of my friends' music. Nuthin' personal.

Bonus two: Were you aware that one of my music projects can be found online, and that my first ex found it to be so creepy she had to get the children out of the room?

The last time I played a table-top RPG, we stayed up until blue-o'-clock. The soundtrack for the last hour of the session was Nine Inch Nails' "Further Down the Spiral." I did not like it one bit.

Bonus three: When do you think I'll get around to cracking open my Zombies!!! expansions and playing them?

7. Hidden powerups & jump boots.