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Symphony Hall Seating Not The "Butt" Of Any Jokes


By Alan Smithee
Globe Contributing Writer / February 23, 2008

For several months, backstage visitors to Symphony Hall have been greeted with an unusual sight: a patchwork row of auditorium chairs, marked with letters, and a modest ballot box affixed to the wall above them. Members of the BSO, as well as its attached chorus, were asked to try out the chairs, and then place ranked votes on a ballot to decide their favorite seat. On Monday, it was revealed that seat "C" had won the contest by an overwhelming margain. [Full disclosure: this reporter co-chaired Seat C's election committee]

While no BSO staff could be reached for comment, citing potential interviews as "totally gay" and "a waste of everyone's time," we were able to speak with members of TFA, the BSO's resident choir.

Tom Anderson, a chorus member and amateur sports mascot, was excited by the win. "I couldn't be more happier [sic] with this outcome. C is pretty much my favorite letter in the first half of the alphabet, and it's always cool to see it get some respect." When asked about his opinion of the bottom-ranked seat, Seat F, Tom chuckled. "Yeah.. sometimes when I'm playing Wii, I slip and fall on my bottom."

Seat C itself was quiet and dignified in its victory, but close friends were overheard claiming that it is in fact elated by the win. "I'm just proud for my friend," Seat B remarked, "I was in this to win, but having lost, I'm glad to see the honor go to such a worthy contender." Seat B then broke down in tears upon learning that, as a losing candidate, it would be removed and incinerated the following week.

Many chorus members expressed sadness at the thought of seeing the display taken down; over the months it had become a popular relaxation area and make-out spot. Eryk Nielsen, another TFA singer and total stud, spoke with us between sips of his fashionable appletini. "They're taking it down? That's a damn shame." He grinned, and continued, "I've spent some quality time 'testing' these chairs, if you know what I mean." Mr. Nielsen gave an alluring wink, and then concluded "Let's not fool ourselves. I'm effing irresistible. The ladies love me, and now I'll have to find another spot to work my magic." When asked for comment about whom he may have shared this space with, Mr. Nielsen was uncharacteristically demure for a man of such virulent machismo: "Um.. yeah. I can't think of any names right now. Hmm, wait. Does "Katherine Donagee" sound too made-up? People will believe she's a real person, won't they?" Mr. Nielsen then broke down in tears,rocking back and forth and repeating the words "So lonely... so very lonely."

In an interesting twist, it was announced at a separate press conference that Seat C, as part of a unique collaboration with the DNC, will also be serving as an official Superdelegate at the Democratic National Convention this summer. Seat C has released a statement that it is planning to follow the wishes of the citizens of Massachusetts, and will be casting its Supervote for former Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton.

Senator Clinton could not be reached for comment.